Do You Have a Secret?

Do You Have a Secret?
How (and what) to tell your sweetheart.......

I don't know your secrets, but I do know that just about every one of my romance clients has asked me sooner or later, "How do I tell him/her about...?" Do you have a nagging issue that you just can't figure out how to share with a new partner? Everybody has something they are ashamed of, and that kind of embarrassment can get in the way of starting to date, much less becoming intimate and close.

These are some of the things my clients have worried about

These are some of the things my clients have worried about: too much weight, too little height, not enough or too much hair, flabby skin from weight loss, a cancer history, disease (sexual or otherwise), their age, nutty or nasty families, number of marriages and divorces, not enough sexual experience or too much, money or the lack of it, substance abuse or jail terms, unresolved legal messes, unwise previous partner choices, past physical abuse, and compulsions or phobias.

To tell or not to tell?

Here are questions to ask yourself about whether and what to tell:

• If my sweetheart had a similar problem, would I want to know about it?
• Would receiving this kind of information be important to me in deciding to go ahead with this relationship?
• If I were them, would I want to know what I am keeping secret?
• Do other people know? Could my sweetheart find out from someone besides me?
• Is what I am worried about a matter of public record that could be discovered with a little research?
• Will it affect my health or quality of my or my partner's life?

How to tell them

First, get right with yourself. You need to be able to tell and explain your story without shame and self-deprecation. You may need to talk to someone about your struggles, perhaps a coach or a therapist.

Write down your dilemma and practice it out loud until you can say it without flinching or stumbling for words. Then, don't wait too long. Now, I don't mean tell your worst in the first email or phone conversation, but I think

it's important to get difficult matters out of the way early on

it's important to get difficult matters out of the way early on. Likely, you'll want to establish that the two of you have a good connection, and that a future together is a possibility. But before you get too close, and certainly before you become sexual, get the hard conversations out of the way.

Just about everyone nowadays knows the importance of the awkward "safe sex" talk. That would also be a good time to bring up other difficult matters.

Tell your partner that you have something to tell him/her that is hard for you, but that you feel he/she needs to know now, before things go further. Then take a breath and start talking.

Good news

If your sweetheart hears, understands and accepts you and your story, you've found a gem. Treasure it. Truth-telling builds trust. Relationships are about trust. If your budding relationship crumbles under your news, then this one was not the right one for you. Consider it a gift.